Safety, Respect, Responsibility, Consistency and Communication

 "It's been a pretty calm week, nothing really upsetting to talk about..." the words that flowed from my mouth to my therapist only about 20 minutes before I was in all out tears and unable to speak.  I gave a quick recap of what I'd consider the hi-lights.  I was looking forward to a calm peaceful session where I could tell about the great things I had accomplished because I was able to apply the principles I learned in the last session.  In my head, this session was going to be smooth and easy and I was going to learn more skills to stay calm and get things done and overcome the things that get in my way.  I can tell you that's not how it went.  

I shared the few minor hiccups and how I mentally processed them and then the way that I physically responded to each circumstance.  In my session the following words came up: Safety, Respect, Responsibility, Consistent, and Communication.  My therapist said wow, these are some really strong words that are coming up and that I believe are at the core of who you are and what's important to you.  You see these are the root words that formed who you are and are at the source of the things that cause you the most pain.  Going back to your childhood you needed things to be consistent to create an environment of safety, but that's not what you received, so you began to create a life that was consistent and stable - safe and predictable to move forward. Ok, that's fair. After all, I am the kid who ate a Kroger .99 cent microwave meal literally every day that had 5 nuggets, corn and French fries.  I was pissed if those were sold out and I had to get the banquet meal with a brownie - no, I don't really care much for brownies.  Looking back, it was an element of my life I could control - even though simple on an elementary level.  I've witnessed my cat being shot and killed by an unhinged sexual predator who was my biological father.  I stood helpless in the hall as he and my step-mom were in the living-room and he held her police issued weapon to her head threatening to blow her head off. Oh how I could go on and on with examples....   

It's important to me that people communicate clearly with me - that way I don't HAVE to anticipate what's REALLY going on with them.  I prefer patterns of behavior that are calm, predictable and consistent - this feels safe to me.  I hate it when people act disrespectful towards me rather than to communicate what it is that is bothering them.  It's this level of passive-aggressiveness that feels unpredictable and is unsafe because I can't gauge which direction things can go.  I hate it when I feel taken advantage of - it makes me feel disrespected and like my feelings aren't considered or important.  As I began saying these things, something inside broke and I began to cry to the point I couldn't speak very well. 

"Why can't things be calm?  Why do I have to sacrifice the things that make me happy to make sure everyone else is happy? Why can't I love who I love without it upsetting someone else? Why do I become defensive and shutdown or run away when I feel there is conflict?"  The answer lies with who I am and what I experienced as a child growing up. If I could perform well enough then perhaps things would be calm and consistent.  Therefore I formed a pattern of being overly-responsible as a child.  I didn't feel my voice was heard and therefore I was never respected as being my own person, with my own thoughts, likes and desires.  If there's something that you need to address with me be it good, bad, indifferent, talk to me.  Calmly.  I LOATHE screaming, hissy fits that involve throwing things, stomping around or withholding affection.  This reiterates that you have the ability to be unpredictable and therefore unsafe.  Your words say you love me but your actions prove otherwise. You'll immediately get the opposite response of what you desire because I will shut down faster than a Dollar General during a tornado.   

If you love me, allow me the space and freedom to be my own self - rather than who you desire me to be.  To make my own choices that may be different than those you'd choose. I promise to afford you the same space - to provide a safe space for you to communicate, I'll respect your views even if I may not agree with them, and that's ok.  I promise to be consistent and will be there for you no matter what because I love you. I'm human so I'm sure I'll make mistakes along the way, BUT, I'll apologize and ask forgiveness when in the wrong. Can you do the same for me?  Will you?