Know your place and stay in that space

 I have to admit that the theme of the past year, perhaps a little longer has definitely been learning my place in people's lives.  You see, I'm the type of person who goes all in with the relationships in my life.  If you're important to me, then I do my best to let you know, to show you, to love on you etc.  Funny enough, as if anyone would actually consider it funny - when you go all in for people it's seen as either being codependent, your trauma causing you to overcompensate love or form trauma bonds, your being manipulative, you want something etc.  Never is it seen that you can simply love exuberantly because that's who you are.  I guess in the end we all want something - to be loved in return, but is that really a bad thing to desire?  

You see, this past year has consisted of learning that dynamics will change with no rhyme or reason.  Things could be absolutely what you'd consider normal one day and the next your world is upside down with your heart on your sleeve mourning the loss.  It's easy to flip that inward and wonder where you went wrong.  What did I do, say or what didn't I do or say that caused them to walk away without a care or consideration in the world of how I'd feel? Am I really as insignificant as they'd allow me to believe I am?  The truth is - there isn't a single thing that I can do to build value and worth in who I am as a person if it isn't recognized to begin with.  Innately we are enough at our worst and we are enough at our best and those who are meant to stay and be a part of our journey will recognize that.  Sometimes you'll get an explanation but most times you won't.  

Many times people will say things to me about how courageous I am to share my story - to me it isn't anything special, it's just life.  I don't control the cards that I'm dealt - but I can control how I play them, I can hold, fold, bluff or call - that part is on me.  I'm learning to be more open, transparent and authentically myself just as I've allowed and encouraged "my people" to be themselves.  That also means I'm allowing them the freedom to decide I'm no longer for them.  If you are in my life - please know I love you fiercely even if we don't talk or see one another often - if you felt you had to walk away, or just decided at this very moment you need to, please know I still love you fiercely and honor your choice.  I'm not going to fake some pseudo-happiness nor will I get stuck and wallow in sadness and grief.  I'll acknowledge where I am on the day-to-day honor the emotions in the moment and trust the bigger picture of what's meant for me will find it's way. I believe we need each other, but it's important to make sure others want to be there and don't feel like a hostage.

Most know I'm very open to people of all race, religions, orientation, political views, hug a tree, save a whale, pet a cat whatever and I will continue to openly share that fact.  I understand that there are those whom I consider friends and that I love that won't agree with me, and that's ok.  I hold space for you and who you are in your individuality and have zero desire to change your point of view.  I want to give the same consideration that I'd hope to receive and while I can't control anyone else, I am responsible for me, my thoughts, words and actions.  May I continue to be authentic and err on the side of love and grace - and if you find it in your heart to stick around in my journey may I find favor to receive the same. I'd rather err on losing someone for whom I include than to gain someone for who I exclude.  Can we be the hand that holds another, wipes a tear, delivers a meal, writes an encouraging message, makes a call, sits through a therapy session, etc?  My friends, can we grow forward together? Can we reach out and welcome others in on the way?  There's always room for 1 more - always.